By Maria Chavez Wilcox
“You got more ice cream than I did!” “You’ve already gotten to watch TV for three hours today — it’s my turn!”
Every parent has felt the aggravation of siblings who are constantly competing, arguing and comparing who got what or who got a better deal than the other. Sibling rivalry can be frustrating, and the inclination to jump in and break up the fight is certainly understandable.
But managed properly and consistently, sibling rivalry can be a good thing. In fact, it’s a very necessary, very helpful part of growing up in a family.
Families are where we first learn about democracy and negotiating skills. Siblings who successfully learn to work things through are better bonded with one another and are more likely to face the world as fair-minded negotiators who treat others with kindness.
The children receiving therapeutic child care at Childhaven are constantly learning and practicing social skills. And even when there has been a history of abuse and neglect, our staff have seen children go from fighting with siblings and others to being cooperative and caring. Here are some other things to keep in mind regarding sibling rivalry:
• In every scenario, if you have an expectation, you need to have a conversation: “I know you’re the older sister and it seems like your little brother has fewer responsibilities, but you’re more grown up than he is, and I expect you to be a role model for him in how to behave.” • Only step in as a referee to keep children from harming each other either physically or emotionally. If they seem to be working things through, stay out of it. • If you must referee, be impartial and fair. Use phrases like, “Here’s how I’d like you to think about resolving it,” then let them get back to working it out.
• Ask yourself, “Is this my problem or theirs to solve?” The goal is that your kids are able to work out their problems with one another on their own without involving you. If you keep stepping in, they miss out on an opportunity to grow and learn.
• Sibling rivalry as a cry for parental attention: Connecting one-on-one with your kids even in the small ways — “Beth, I notice you did well on that paper. I’m so proud of your hard work, and Mark, thanks for putting the dishes away.” — can go a long way toward making each child feel special, sometimes bringing down infighting among siblings.
• Model fair play for your children: Children need to see the adults in their lives talking things out and using respectful words and patience. Remember — they will learn from you whether you provide a good example or not.
Maria Chavez Wilcox is president of Childhaven, a safe and caring place for babies, toddlers and preschoolers.
