Can’t get enough sports? Want to be closer to the action? Boy, do I have the job for you. Many, in fact. All it takes is a little searching.
Are you a big Boston Red Sox fan? Are you opposed to moving to Boston? If not, this job might be your calling. The Red Sox are currently searching for a new person to take over as Wally the Mascot, the lovable persona who represents the team at community and corporate events.
Potential candidates are required to answer only four questions:
1. Do you live in the Boston area?
(Jeez, did you think you could honestly be Wally from the Pacific Northwest? You’re gonna have to hit the road Jack.)
2. Do you have experience as a mascot, theme park character or actor?
(You can always improvise.)
3. Do you have reliable transportation?
(Wally can’t be late!)
4. Are you available to work days, nights, weekends and holidays
(Boy, that’s a lot of work for Wally!)
If you answered yes to the previous questions, you might just be the lucky bearer of Wally’s mantle. Oh don’t forget – you’ll also be required to withstand high heat (fastball jokes notwithstanding) and be able to lift 50 pounds. Why 50 pounds? What kind of heavy lifting must Wally do? I guess that’s a question you get answered in the interview.
If dancing as Wally isn’t your thing, you could become a member of any baseball team’s stadium crew.
Sure this means picking up after slobs following the game, dealing with children who want their cotton candy faster and listening to the occasional drunk, but hey, you get to watch baseball!
Speaking of drunks, you could always apply to be one of the fear-inducing members of the Alcohol Enforcement Squad. What a great job that is. The ability to toss a drunk out of a baseball game speaks of real power.
I’ve saved the best for last, a little opportunity that many people probably don’t even know about. Tired of being an armchair coach? How about becoming a real coach.
The NCAA Web site lists every coaching opening at universities across the country. When Nebraska had a coaching opening a few years back, my buddy, a huge Cornhuskers fan, applied for the job. Sure, he didn’t have the credentials, or the football knowledge or the pedigree, but hey, someone’s got to get the job, right?
So all of you Tyrone Willingham haters take note. If the Huskies have another bad year, make sure to check out NCAA.org. You might just find the opening you’re looking for.
Joel Willits is the sports reporter for the Bellevue Reporter. He can be reached at 425-453-5045 or at firstname.lastname@example.org.