All parents want success for their children. And all children (though they may not always show it) want to succeed. But how do you define success? Therein lies the rub.

To the high achiever, success may mean nothing less than a perfect 4.0 grade-point-average, scores of 750 to 800 on the SAT, as many extra-curricular activities as will fit into a 16-hour day, and acceptance by an Ivy League university. To the rest of us, it may mean something, well, different.

There’s nothing wrong with shooting for the moon or having high expectations, but parents might want to ask themselves: Are these my goals or my child’s goals?

If it’s always been your daughter’s dream to get into Cornell or be a violin virtuoso on the world stage – great. Parents can and should take a supporting role. But if it’s really your goal because you went to Cornell or you invested all that time and money on violin lessons, then it might be time to switch drivers.

Granted this can be easier said that done. From the time your daughter could walk, you’ve been heavily invested in her “success,” from preschool to select soccer. You want her to make good use of her talents, do well on the WASL, go on to college and compete in that global marketplace we keep hearing about. But now that she’s a teenager, she wants to call the shots.

“About age 13 or 14, kids will either take ownership of a serious interest or activity or want to opt out,” says Lori Marro Homes, a parent educator at Youth Eastside Services (YES) who specializes in adolescent issues. “If your child wants to give up a pursuit because he wants to do something else instead, then that’s a valid choice. We all must make those choices in life.”

If he wants to quit because the activity is getting too hard or challenging his comfort zone, that’s when you can step in as cheerleader to get him through what is probably a rough patch.

Should that rough patch turn into a long and winding rough road, your son may be under too much stress and need help figuring out his priorities – like sleep. Nine hours a night is optimal for teenagers’ growing bodies and developing brains, but most get less.

Doing the math, if you take away sleep (8 to 9 hours), school (6 to 7 hours), and homework (1 to 2 hours), that leaves six to nine hours for everything else, including eating, transportation, activities, socializing, TV and downtime. Don’t forget downtime.

Realistically, says Lori, teens can do one major activity – a sport, chess club, student government, or a part-time job – each academic quarter without overextending themselves.

Those who do try to pack too much into their day may be asking for health problems. The most obvious signs of a maxed out kid include sleep deprivation, poor eating habits, reliance on coffee or caffeine drinks, and moodiness and anger. Some will try to escape the rat race with drugs and alcohol and other risky behaviors.

So what can we do as parents?

We can start by setting a good example. If we’re not getting enough sleep and exercise and wolfing down food on the fly, then we can’t expect that our kids will learn the opposite. Make time for fun and family and sit-down meals together.

We also can promote a healthy, balanced life by stocking the cupboards and fridge with nutritious snacks and keeping sleep-robbing televisions and computers out of kids’ rooms. One parent I know takes her daughter’s cell phone each evening to remove the temptation for all-night texting.

With teens, you can’t reschedule their lives, nor should you try, but you can partner with them, gently teaching them time-management strategies and the perils of procrastination. Let them take responsibility for getting their work done on time, but give them help and support if they need it.

Finally, set realistic expectations for your child that play to his or her strengths, interests and goals. Not every kid has the Ivy League resume. Between high school and Harvard are multiple roads to success.

YES offers an evening Effective Parenting of Teens class every quarter. The classes are Mondays at 7 p.m. and run for six weeks at YES’ main headquarters, 999 164th Ave. N.E. in Bellevue’s Crossroads Park. The next series is scheduled to begin in January 2009. For more information or to register, call 425-747-4937 and ask for the “intake office.”